The Kids Are Not Okay: A Conversation We Need To Have.

She walked with her head down and a single flower in her hand. She started off slowly but picked up pace the closer she got to him. The church was completely silent as if disbelief itself had taken over the hundreds of people intently watching. It still didn’t feel real. This couldn’t be real. He was too young to die. These kids are too young to lose their friend. But it was real, and it hit me the moment I watched my 16-year-old daughter place a flower on top of her friend lying in a casket, after taking his own life. It was a goodbye that shook our community and completely broke the ground our kids walked on. He was here one day and then he was gone. The bubble of their reality suddenly burst, and it was one of the most heartbreaking events I have ever witnessed. The week it all happened was heavy, but watching my daughter fall apart in the aftermath of it all was the most scared I have been since my own battle with mental health. Everything changes when its’s your child. Everything.

It is true that you can see the light in someone’s eyes. It is also true that you can see it go out. I have seen it within my own eyes, but watching it leave someone else’s is haunting. As a parent, you would do anything to keep your kids safe and happy. Seeing the light in their eyes is the most transcending feeling anyone could ever feel. It is pure bliss. As if, all you have ever wanted in your whole life was that, that one single moment. To be honest, seeing that disappear in your child’s eyes awakens a fear within you that is consuming. You will question all that is. There is nothing that can prepare you for that pit in your stomach that eats away at you. What are they thinking? What are they doing? Are they ok? Are they hiding their feelings? What can I do to help them? That playlist just repeats over and over until someone breaks. And, the truth is, we cannot let it be our kids. The conversation has to begin, and it has to begin now.

“Tread lightly, Danielle,” I say to myself as I am writing this. “People are afraid to talk about mental health,” I remind myself. But the truth is, I don’t want to tread lightly anymore. Our youth are dying, and they are choosing to. That changes the conversation surrounding mental health. Staying quiet is no longer an option. Hoping for the best doesn’t move mountains, real change does; real, honest, open, heartfelt conversations about the many challenges of life. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t scary to open up. It wasn’t easy sharing my entire mental health journey with everyone, but it was freeing. It created a connection that I never experienced before. It was as if a path suddenly appeared and it wasn’t just me walking along it. That connection is what our kids desperately need. They need it now more than ever in this world of imposter closeness worn as a profile picture. Sadly, that has become the norm. The thought, “I need everyone else to love me,” has become louder than, “I need to love myself.”

When social media entered the chat, we all became hyper aware of everyone else. We began posting for everyone to see, like, comment, and it was exhilarating. With the never-ending changes of social media today, we see that not only is it exciting for kids, but it has also become relied upon for emotional joy. It opens up an entire new world of illusions, manufactured to play on the emotions of all. Before I get ahead of myself, I want to say that social media is not all to blame for the unraveling mental health of our youth, however it does play a big part. At times, it feels as though each individual person shares a snapshot of their life and we are all meant to judge it. If you picture that as a teenager, it suddenly feels heavier. The weight of that judgement can be too much for them to carry. It is important for us to remind our kids that worthiness was never meant for us. Worthiness was never meant to be spoken by us, only held by God, or whatever greater being you believe in. We were never created to measure ourselves against a standard only He can see, and yet we do, quietly, harshly, forgetting that the judgment we carry was never ours to begin with. We need to do better as parents to teach our kids that searching for happiness and connection through a screen, or even outside of themselves at this point, is not the “real thing.” The real things are found within us first, and the world around us begins to mirror what we carry inside. Now, the question is, how do we teach our kids to actually care about that, and to learn how to love themselves? I think the best way is to connect with them. Create a bond with your child that feels safe for them. Show interest in what they like and have them talk to you about it. Then, every opportunity, and I mean EVERY opportunity you get to build them up and tell them all the amazing and unique qualities that they hold, you take it and run with it. The more you say it, the more they believe it themselves. Let that sink in, because that is also true for what they take in from the world around them. It can feel like a “you vs. the world” when it comes to your kid and it can be defeating. But you see, that is where the bond that you have with your kids makes the difference. The world will have nothing on your connection with your child. That is why I always say that connection is so essential in the world of mental health. Most of any healing begins with connection. If you really think about it, mental health is really just a technical way of simply saying “the process of healing the mind.” Connection can be the starting line to that process.

Having these conversations with your child, pre-teen, or teenager can and will be one of the hardest talks you have with them, besides explaining the birds and the bees and everything else that has changed even from that conversation, but they are so important to have. Mental health does not have a blueprint. Sometimes it is a “deal with things as they come” and a “taking one day at a time” type of thing. No two people have the same mental health experience. Each and every one of us has our own lived experience that only we lived, went through, and felt. Knowing our kids, what they like, what they dislike, what makes them laugh, what they admire, what they think is cool, what they are afraid of, that is what helps us put together a blueprint for helping them through tough times. It always comes back to connection.

Maybe, that is where we begin. Not with perfection, or the right words to say, or even the perfectly timed conversation, but with presence. Maybe, we sit a little longer at the dinner table. We ask them one more question, and we finally put the phone down and look them in the eyes. We remind them over and over again that they matter, that they are seen, and that they are loved in ways that cannot be measured by the world around them. Our youth are like sponges, soaking up everything that surrounds them. Let it be your good that they take in. Because the truth is that the world is the battlefield of good versus evil, and we cannot control everything our kids will face. We cannot possibly protect them from every heartbreak, disappointment, or setbacks that they will go through. Those are outward struggles. When I say outward, I mean that they have awareness and can be noticed and interrupted by someone else. As a parent, we can sometimes, not all the time, see when our kids are going through heartbreak, and do something for them to cheer them up. As someone who deals with mental health issues all the time, I can tell you that it is the internal struggles that break people down. Those are the ones that no one can see. No one can expect. No one can interrupt. No one can attempt to help. This is where the word “safe” becomes very important. That one word is the only way your child will be able to open up. We may not be able to shield them from all the world throws at them, but we sure as hell can make sure they don’t fight alone. “What can we do?,” you ask. We can build. We can create a space so strong, so safe, so full of connection that when the world feels too heavy, they know exactly where to go; back to us, back to their safe place.

The conversation needs to start now, because whether we want to believe it or not, mental health is not something you “might” have to deal with. It is something you will always have to deal with, at every age, in every season of life, and every child that you have. You see, mental health is apart of all of us, even our children. The best thing we, as parents, can do for them is to connect with them, build them up before the world can tear them down, and create that fortress of safety in your home with them so that they turn to you for help when they really need it. Connect. Build them up. Create Safety. Those are the tools that I have started using with my own children, and I can tell you that it has helped tremendously when it comes to them opening up. It isn’t a perfect “how to” guidance plan for everyone, but it is somewhere to start. Please, talk to your kids. They need us right now. Begin that conversation. At the end of it all, connection isn’t just important… it might be what saves them.