If you stay; a letter to moms who feel like they can’t keep going.

The most beautiful sunset I have ever seen, “ A true Purpoise moment” yes that’s spelled right lol

I  see a lot of TikTok’s that say, “I stay because they can’t have a dead child, a dead sister, a dead mom” And, I comment on every single one. And yes, that is POWERFUL, but that won’t make you stay if you are really dead inside and want it to end. It will only keep you going for so long. So then what will make you stay, you ask?”

The emptiness inside, little by little, fills with what I like to call, purpoises. Yes, a purpoise. Let me explain.

There was a season in my life when I felt like nothing inside me was alive anymore. On the outside, I looked like a mom who had it together..smiling at the bus stop, holding conversation with the other moms, setting schedules and getting things done. But inside, there was only emptiness. A hollow space in my soul where joy should have lived, but couldn’t make its way in.

I felt, deep to my core, that this emptiness would last forever. And some days, I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep going if this was all life was going to be. I would go to bed, close my eyes, and beg. “Please wake up different tomorrow, please God, I’ll do anything to wake up feeling different tomorrow.”

The problem was that I was waiting for some big epiphany. I was waiting for the BIG smack in the face. I wanted to wake up and not feel depressed, or have so much anxiety that my body shook. I wanted to feel WHOLE again, I wanted the old me back. But that is a whole different story for another day. Spoiler alert, I did not become the old me, I became someone more.

Eventually, something broke through the emptiness.

It wasn’t big or dramatic. It didn’t erase the darkness overnight. It was a small, ordinary moment. I was at the beach with my mother-in-law. I sat down on the stony sand looking for little clear rocks that looked like glass. And I felt it. It was like my ♡ skipped a beat. I thought “wtf was that.” It felt like something jumped into me and I was pushed into a different state of mind. “Was this happiness?” I thought for a second. I didn’t care what it was, I needed more of it. I remember looking out to the water after that and thinking how beautiful it was. It was more than beautiful, it was full of life. In that very small moment, a found a small fleeting moment of joy. For the first time in a long time, I felt a spark inside the hollow place. It didn’t fill me completely, but it reminded me that maybe, just maybe, I wanted to stay.

That’s when I realized there’s a word missing for this thing, this spark, this reason to keep choosing life even when it’s hard.

So I made one up.

I call it my Purpoise.

What is a Purpoise you ask?

A Purpoise is the thing that takes the place of emptiness in your soul.

It’s the meaning, the love, the joy that rushes in when you least expect it.

It’s the sound of your baby breathing softly against your chest.

It’s your partner’s arms wrapped around you after a long day.

It’s the dream you haven’t yet lived, the art you haven’t yet created, the trip you haven’t taken that you always wanted to. Like that trip to Ireland to see the old castles that still stand. That’s my dream trip 😍

It’s the reminder that life still holds beauty worth surfacing for.

And yes, I spelled it with an “oi.” Because to me, it feels like a porpoise: playful, alive, leaping out of dark waters into the light. A surprise you didn’t know you needed until it’s right there in front of you.

Why Your Purpoise Matters

When you’re struggling with your mental health, people love to say things like “find your purpose” or “just focus on your kids.” And while those words might come from a place of love, they often feel HEAVY, like one more impossible task when you already feel like you’re failing.

But a Purpoise isn’t something you have to chase down or pressure yourself to create. It finds you in the small moments. It sneaks in through laughter, beauty, connection, or even quiet peace. It doesn’t erase the pain, but it softens it. It doesn’t take away the emptiness, it jumps in like “Hi, I’m still here,” like a guest that doesn’t get the hint that its way past your bedtime and you’d like them to please, for the love of god, go home. 🤣

Your Purpoise doesn’t have to be grand. It doesn’t have to be your career, your calling, or your lifelong dream. Sometimes, your Purpoise is as simple as:

• Wanting to stay long enough to see the sunrise tomorrow.

• Hearing your child say a word they couldn’t pronounce yesterday. Or better, to hear them say the cutest version of a word again, that you refuse to correct because it’s so damn cute when they say it.

• Sitting in silence and realizing, for the first time in days, your breath feels steady. Your ♡ is at peace for just that moment.

Finding Your Purpoise

If you’re reading this and you’re in the thick of it, please know you don’t have to figure out your whole life right now. You don’t even need to figure out what’s for dinner. 😩 My literal worst nightmare of momming.

You just have to stay long enough to let your Purpoise leap out of the water for air and remind you that life is worth breathing for.

My Purpoise

For me, my children are my purpose, but my purpoises are for ME. And, no that’s not selfish. It’s ok to want things for yourself. It’s ok to dream things for yourself, and it’s ok to FEEL HAPPINESS FOR YOURSELF. And if you need to read that over and over again, please do. Because I promise you it’s OK.

My BIG Purpoise jumps in when I write. When I sit down to write my blog, or continue my book, or writing letters. Poetry helps me get out feelings and connect to people as well.

My other purpoises sometimes jump in when i don’t expect it and I become elated with emotion. That’s when I know that I am meant to do this thing. It has happened when I am designing a room, when I’m in an antique shop and I have found the treasure of all treasures, or it has been as simple as seeing someone else laugh. Like their laugh was meant for me to hear. It can be small, tiny, even mini, moments that I imagine a big blubbery purpoise jumping out of the water for air, reminding me that life, even in its messiness, is still worth living.

If You Stay

So, momma, if you’re on the edge, if you feel like giving up, I want you to remember this:

Your emptiness is not forever. Feelings are temporary.

Your story isn’t finished. You have the pen, begin to write it.

Your Purpoise is still waiting for you. Let it jump in and surface for air.

Please, choose to stay.

Not because everyone else needs you, but because You need YOU. You have so much left to give yourself. And, again, since you may need to hear it one more time,  it’s ok to want for yourself. Selfishness is for those who only give to themselves, and momma, you have given your whole life to everyone around you, everyday. You keep the little humans demanding snacks every 3 minutes alive, every day! I promise it’s ok to want joy for yourself. Your big blubbery purpoise is waiting to jump in. Let it.

With so much love,

Another mom who found her Purpoise